Heroes Abridged: With Commentary, Season Three
by Anonymius
Summary: The third season of 'Heroes' shortened, mocked, and commented on.
1. The Second Coming

**I do not own 'Heroes' or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Welcome back my normal and hero wannabe friends to 'Super-Heroes Volume Three: Supervillains'!

Sammy: Hopefully this volume will be way better than the last one!

Commentator: -What do you mean?

Sammy: -Well Boss, you know how awful Season Two was, right?

Commentator: -What are you talking about, Sammy? Season Two was fine, heck it was even slightly better than the first one!

(Silence)

Professor: I'll answer this. What?

Commentator: Well, according to statistics, Season Two was better than season 1.

Professor: -I repeat. What?

Commentator: Well look.

(Pulls down a chart)

Commentator: As you well know, the staple joke of our commentaries are the flaws, thereby logically the worse the source material, the longer the chapter and easier it is to make fun of. Now then, as you can see in this chart, we started off commentating on the first episode, and later found that for the rest of the first half of the first season we needed to combine two episodes in order to meet roughly the length of the first. Now if you take a look at season Two, we were able to abridge two episodes each, apart from one which was three.

Professor: Sir, you can't base an assumption on that-

Commentator: Or if you want to look at it another way, out of the eleven chapters that comprised season One, three parody one episode, roughly half parody two, one parodied three, and another parodied five. (Counts the episodes on his hand) Yep. Definitely five! Now then, if you want to look at two, out of our five, four parody two with one three. So in other words, in season One, about twenty-five percent was one, fifty percent two, twelve and a half percent three, and another twelve and a half percent five, whereas in Season Two, eighty percent was two, whereas twenty percent was three. And as you can see we never had to enough material for one episode! Hmm, then again we didn't have as little as five either, so hold on, and the three's increased by seven and three quarters percent, so we have a twenty-five decrease but a twenty and a quarter percent increase, so yeah, Season Two was better than One.

Professor: Sir, you can't possibly make a kind of decision like that based on word length alone! I mean there are other factors to consider, like some flaws are easier to make fun of than others, or like one joke from one episode being transferred to another!

Commentator: Hey I'm not saying my theory is perfect, I'm just saying that it's the best I've got.

Professor: Sir, what's wrong with just deciding if you enjoyed the episode?

Commentator: Because your emotions can easily be influenced by someone else to make you think differently about an episode. No, I prefer to put trust in the facts.

Sammy: But Boss! How could you possibly defend Season Two? It was boring and long drawn compared to the original series!

Commentator: Boring and long drawn? Sam, it took them only seven episodes to get the majority of characters together. In the first season it took them an entire season for all the characters and their plots to come together! Plus this series had a few decent super-powered fight scenes compared to the first! Anyway since when did you hate Season Two? I don't remember you ever complaining about it while we were watching it.

Sammy: My eyes have been open, Boss! I see the truth of Season Two's mediocrity! I now know-

Commentator: In other words you listened to the crap people were saying about Season Two and instead of maintaining your own opinion you were too afraid about being wrong so you gave up your own views and accepted what seemed like the majority view, and therefore forgetting that you once enjoyed Season Two as much as One, am I right?

Sammy: -Well…

Professor: Although Sir I in no way agree with Sam about how apparently awful Season Two was, on the other hand I can't say it was better than Season One. Then again, Season One always gave me a headache, I can't decide whether it was because of all the problems characters were getting, particularly Peter, and how it took forever for all the characters to get together, and I don't know, watching Season Two I felt more relaxed. Of course, I never had a problem with Two and I was surprised how people were saying it wasn't very good.

Sammy: Even so, I've heard good things about Three and how it'll rejuvenate the series and how it'll be exciting!

Commentator: Well if it is as good as you say it is, Sam, then I look forward to it as well.

Sammy: Yeah! By the way, Boss, maybe we should be thinking of doing the same.

Commentator: -How do you mean?

Sammy: Boss, have you seen the hits for Generations compared to Genesis? At least the ratings only went down by a quarter, we lost like ninety percent of our readers!

Commentator: Well, I admit the numbers for Generations were disappointing, but what do you want me to do?

Sammy: Let us make our series more exciting and cut out all the romance and drama in expense to everything else!

Commentator: No, I'd rather have the lowest hit series on Fanfictiondotnet than sell my soul to the demon of higher ratings in an attempt to increase our hits which will just lead to lower hits and more ridicule.

Demon Of Higher Ratings: Oh come on. Please?

Commentator: No. You've got enough souls as it is. Now let's just watch the episode.

* * *

_Previously, on 'Heroes'…_

Muerte: Hi, I'm Muerte.

Vida: And I'm Vida.

Muerte: I take life.

Vida: And I give it back.

Muerte: I'm on the run for murder, even though I didn't intentionally kill them.

Vida: I'm also on the run for murder, although I don't know how that happened since I cooperated with the police to capture my own sister. If anything, I should only be liable for assisting the escape of a murderer!

Muerte: and we're currently off to the U.S. to find Chandra Suresh.

Vida: Although how we know he was last seen in the U.S. and not know he's now dead is beyond me.

* * *

Midas: Greetings, Dr Suresh. I am one of the I-Men and we want you to join our heroic organisation.

Mohinder: Sure, why not.

* * *

Nathan: I'm now a drunken wreck who has hung up his costume because of the death of his brother even though he was supposed to have survived that explosion. Believe it.

* * *

Ricky: Tell us what you did with the ipods!

Peter: You guys seriously believe that I took your ipods , then chained myself up half naked and let myself be at your mercy?

Ricky: Um, yes?

Peter: You guys aren't very bright thieves, are you?

* * *

Flying Boy: Greetings, Resurrection Girl. I am Flying Boy. Want to get together and become a crime fighting duo?

Resurrection Girl: Okay.

* * *

Caitlin: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! SOMEBODY HELP ME!

Peter: Unhand that poor woman, you villainous fiends!

Thug: Yeah? Well what are you going to do about it?

BAM! ZAP! WHOOSH!

Peter: Does that answer your question?

Caitlin: My hero!

Peter: Aren't you a little freaked out that I have all these powers?

Caitlin: You'd think so, wouldn't you?

* * *

Peter: Wow! I saved that woman's life! Hey. I know! I should become a superhero! From this day fourth (Putting on his costume) I shall be known as –(Comes out wearing green spandex covering everything except eyes and mouth with a A on front) The incredible-ABSORBING MAN!

Caitlin: Why Absorbing man?

Absorbing Man: I don't know, it seemed appropriate somehow. I was going to go for Superman, but then I realised that name was taken.

Caitlin: never stopped Marvel Captain Marvel.

Ricky: Hey absorbing Man! Do you know what would be great for a second mission? Helping us with a heist.

Absorbing Man: Sorry, Ricky, but Absorbing Man must never break the law! Whatever happens, Absorbing Man is an upholder of the law, and he must never cross the line-

Ricky: I'll give you clues about your past.

Absorbing Man: -Except for personal gain!

* * *

Ricky: So they actually HANDED you the money?

Absorbing Man: I told them it was to save the world. Superheroes are very well respected in this bizarre parallel universe where superheroes actually exist.

* * *

Clockwork: Ow, my chest. Hey, who are you?

Mirage: The name's Mirage. I've been sent to look after you.

Clockwork: Mirage? Like the villain in 'The Incredibles'?

Mirage: Not so much, although I do feel somewhat like a super-villain's assistant. And I'm sure that I'll also have a romantic relationship with my charge.

Clockwork: I doubt it.

Mug: GAK!

Mirage: Oof!

Clockwork: BRAIIIIIIIIINS!

* * *

Clockwork: Oh dear. I appear to be unable to use my powers or take more.

* * *

Chronos: I must help you become a hero.

Kensei: Okay. Does that mean that I will have to dress like you too?

Chronos: Of course! A superhero's costume is his uniform and his way of disguising who he or she is!

* * *

Clockwork: Gasp, hi, gasp, could you, gasp, help me? Gasp, I've, gasp, walked, gasp, all, gasp, the way, gasp, from Brazil, oof!

(The drivers get out of the car)

Muerte: Gasp! Oh no, you poor man!

* * *

Muerte: What is your name?

Clockwork: Gabriel.

Muerte: Gabriel? Gasp! You must be an angel!

Vida: Muerte, you can't assume that just because he's named Gabriel!

Muerte: Why not? It's how I know that one day you shall rule everything from India to Egypt and that I should embrace Mayan culture!

* * *

Copy-Cat: Look out world, cos there's a new Copycat in town, and this one isn't gonna be a screw-up like the last one! Now then to take down some of those robbers. HI-

BAM BASH POW!

Copycat: I have been defeated! Oh who would have thought that martial arts learnt from films wouldn't work in the real world?

* * *

Ellectra: Hi there. Is Copycat here?

Ricky: Who's asking for him?

Ellectra: Oh. Me? I'm Ellectra.

Lightning Bolt: CRACKLE

Ellectra: Get it? Ellectra? Because my name is Elle, and I have electrical powers and a female name that sounds like 'electric' is 'Elektra', so I'm 'Ellectra'? Man. Corpses have no sense of humour!

* * *

Absorbing Man: Right then, thanks to the tickets in the box and my painting, we've come here where there is a message for me.

Caitlin: The Immortal? I-Men? What does it mean?

Absorbing Man: I don't know, but instead of trying to make sense of it I think I'll freak out instead.

* * *

Sybil: Greetings, Absorbing Man. Welcome to the future, where a virus has wiped out most of humanity.

* * *

Caitlin: Peter!

Absorbing Man: Caitlin!

VAMOOSH

Absorbing Man: Oh no! My time travel ability has suddenly brought me back to the present for no reason, leaving Caitlin in the future!

* * *

Midas: Right then Mohinder, your next assignment is to capture Resurrection Girl with the assistance of my sociopathic daughter. Have fun!

* * *

Immortal: Hello, Copy-Cat. I am the Immortal, and I am here to give you back your memories.

Absorbing Man: But how? And what kind of a name for a superhero is Copycat?

Immortal: If you have a photograph of someone, focus on it.

Absorbing Man: Oh okay.

* * *

Midas: Greetings, Copy-Cat. We have brought you down here so that you will not be a threat to the world.

Copy-Cat: Look, I know I almost blew up half of New York, but that was just a one-off, I'm in control now, I'm not a threat to anyone!

Midas: Not a threat? Dude, when finding out how you obtained your nuclear ability you went straight towards him instead of keeping as far away from him as possible. Our only regret is that we didn't incarcerate you sooner.

* * *

The Immortal: So they incarcerated you because they deemed you a threat to humanity?

Copy-Cat: Yeah, although I only had the best intentions.

The Immortal: Me too. Want to break out of here?

Copy-Cat: Sure!

* * *

Lethe: Now, Copy-Cat, I shall give you a new life by erasing your memory.

* * *

The Immortal: So, now that you know who you really are, are you going to reclaim your own costume?

Absorbing Man: You kidding me? Copy-Cat was a loser! This is a clean slate for me, and this time, I will not be a screw-up who ends up ending the world in his attempts to save it! So let's go save the world, it's the only way to save Caitlin!

The Immortal: Aren't you worried that by erasing that future Caitlin will go with it?

Absorbing Man: You'd think I would have considered that possibility, wouldn't you?

The Immortal: You would.

* * *

Midas: H.R.G., no!

H.R.G.: If you die, the I-Men die.

Mohinder: No!

Mohinder's gun: BANG!

H.R.G.: GAK!

* * *

Absorbing Man: Tell us where the virus is being kept!

Victoria: Texas.

The Immortal: Thank you. Mind if I manipulate the next few moments to make it seem that I killed you in self-defence when in fact my intent was to murder you?

Victoria: Just as long as Absorbing Man there doesn't realise the blatantly obvious.

* * *

Vida: I don't trust you! And now I shall take Muerte away from you!

Clockwork: I think not.

Knife: Stab!

Vida: GAK!

Fans: HOORAY!

* * *

Clockwork: Mwahahaha! I'm evil!

Muerte: Evil? But you can't be evil! You're named like the archangel!

Mohinder: Erm, that doesn't necessarily mean that he's LIKE the archangel Gabriel!

Muerte: You mean- people DON'T resemble their namesakes?

Mohinder: Why would they?

Muerte: You mean- my brother ISN'T destined to rule the Middle East?

Tracker: No, he's dead. Sorry.

Muerte: So, I SHOULDN'T embrace Mayan culture?

Mohinder: Why should you?

Muerte: ...Phew, that's a relief! I mean, it's such a pain to embrace a culture that's not your own and the only thing you share is a name. GAK!

Clockwork: Mwahahaha! Now you'll all die!

Ellectra: (Bursts in) HERE I AM, TO SAVE THE DAYYYYYYY!

Clockwork: Gasp, oh no! Must make a get away! (Grabs a vial) You have not seen the last of me! Mwahahaha! (Gets away)

Mohinder: Don't worry! I can save Muerte!

Syringe: Stab!

Muerte: kaG!

Fans: BOOOOOOOOOO!

* * *

Techno-Boy: My cousin Copycat is in danger! Quickly Herculea, use your super strength to take down those thugs!

Nikki: Yeah, there's something I forgot to tell you. I've lost my powers.

Techno Boy: -You what?

Nikki: Yeah, I probably should have mentioned this earlier...

* * *

Flying Boy: Resurrection Girl, if you're going ahead with your plan to expose all superheroes, then I'm afraid we can't be together.

Resurrection Girl: Okay.

Flying Boy: -So, don't even think of trying to contact me to save your biological dad or anything.

Resurrection Girl: Okay.

Flying Boy: I'm serious. Even if your dad walks through that door moments after I leave and convinces you to not expose everyone, then it's still over between us. Sure the issue that drove us apart won't be there anymore and we'll still go to the same school let alone the same class there'll be no recuperating of our love. Sure we'll be Facebook friends, but that's about it.

Ressurection Girl: Okay.

Flying Boy: Right. Just thought I'd make that clear. (Leaves)

Resurrection Girl: Pfft, yeah right. What are the chances of Dad turning out to be alive and walking through that door making our break up all for-not-thing...

(H.R.G. has come in through the door)

Resurrection Girl: Ohhhhhhhhhh sh-

* * *

Nikki: Don't worry, Copy Cat! I'm here to save you! And I've ended up getting trapped. (Notices the building is about to blow) Ohhhhhhh sh-

BOOM

* * *

Mind-Cop: Copy-Cat! You must not trust the Immortal! He wants to destroy the world!

Absorbing Man: Now that's three people now. Okay, I'm starting to worry.

Flying-Man: Peter! You must not trust the Immortal! He wants to destroy the world!

Absorbing Man: Okay, I'm beginning to consider the possibility that Immortal is untrustworthy.

* * *

Chronos: Kensei. We meet again. And I can still see you never adopted a costume.

The Immortal: What do you mean? I'm a Ra's Al-Ghul cos-player! Well anyway, I have my sword pointed at your neck, and there is nothing you can do to stop me! Absolutely nothing you can-

Chronos: Well, time to teleport you away!

The Immortal: NO! Sudden hand movements! How did you know that was my one weakness? Oh well, I still have enough time to drop the vial. MWAHAHAH! MWAHAHAH! MWAHAAHAHAHA-

VAMOOSH

Absorbing Man: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Dives for the vial, and catches it)

Absorbing Man: Phew! WOOHOO! I saved the world! Look everyone, I saved the world for once!

Flying Man: Pfft. You were only able to do that because of the upcoming superheroes strike meaning we've had to wrap this arc up earlier than intended!

Absorbing Man: Shut up.

Mind-Cop: What is this place? A pack of cards? Truly these people are pure evil.

Flying Man: I agree. And the only way to defeat them is to reveal our secret identities.

Mind-Cop and Absorbing Man: -Huh?

Flying Man: Oh please, who are you two to question my logic? (To Absorbing Man) You went straight to Nuclear Man after finding out how you gained your New York destroying abilities instead of staying as far away from him as possible, (To Mindcop) and you blamed the I-Men for giving you your powers when you had them before getting kidnapped!

Mindcop and Absorbing Man: -Touche.

* * *

News Reporter: We now bring you live to a special Bulletin. Popular superhero Flying Man has gathered reporters in order to unmask himself. This will be the most anticipated unmasking since Spider-Man!

Flying Man: And now, I will reveal-myself.

(Is about to pull off his mask)

Assassin: Bang, bang!

Flying Man: GAK! GAK!

Onlooker 1: Oh no! Someone has tried to shot Flying Man!

Onlooker 2: But who could have done this?

Onlooker 3: It must have been someone who does not like superheroes' identities being revealed and is willing to do whatever it takes so that the secret doesn't get out!

Professor: Why is everyone instantly looking at me?

* * *

Clockwork: I'm back, baby. MWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!

* * *

_Or something like that. And now, on 'Heroes'..._

* * *

_Meanwhile, in the future, Future Peter is running away from an agent, only to be cornered with a gun._

Future Claire: What is it with you and Neo?

Future Peter: Future Claire! Listen to me! I can stop all of this!

Future Claire: Even though you could just go back in time now, I'm going to shoot you instead and trap us in this third dystopian future.

Future Peter: Oh please, do you really think that you can kill a telekinetic who can stop time?

Future Claire: Never stopped Matt.

Future Claire's gun: BA-

Future Peter's power: FREEZE!

Future Peter: And as I recall, he got five bullets flung into him and would have probably died if he wasn't so popular for some reason.

* * *

_Meanwhile in the future, Future Peter travels to the past and stops Nathan from revealing mutants._

Matt: Quickly men! Follow me!

Cop: Well you don't have any jurisdiction to order us about, but okay!

Matt: Peter! Where's the assassin?

Peter: He just vanished! And my unscarred face should be a sign that I can't possibly any future version of myself!

Matt: Er…Okay…

* * *

Claire: Peter! How's my dad? Will he make it? What Happened?

Peter: Uncle Pete you're alive! Oh I'm so happy you're not dead after all even though it had been stated before that you can't die unless you're brain is damaged. I'm really happy that the person who saved me is alive! God, would it kill you to show a little emotion?

Claire: No time for that, I more concerned about the condition of my dad since he's about to die!

Peter: Did I ask for a reasonable reason?

* * *

Mohinder: I wonder if I made the right choice to have Molly sent off-screen. Especially because I did it without consulting Matt about it.

Maya: Mohinder, you didn't have a choice! She was growing far too rapidly compared to the slow rate of the series, it would have created far too many inconsistencies! More than usual!

Mohinder: Well anyway I'm off to India. I've had enough of the Company.

Maya: Wait, what? I thought you believed in what the Company was doing?

Mohinder: It comes, it goes, I wouldn't trust it! Although I can't help shake the feeling that I'm forgetting something and I'm supposed to be somewhere and help someone. Meh, I'm sure it'll come to me eventually!

* * *

Nathan: !kaG

Commentator: Okay, this is just getting ridiculous. Saving characters from fatal wounds is one thing, but actually reversing their deaths?

* * *

Nathan: I was in a room full of people. A staff of them. And the guy at the end stood up and told me it was not yet time for me to die, and that there was much more for my character to do.

Reporter: Your character?

Nathan: His words, not mine.

* * *

Hiro: I've already saved the world twice and now I'm bored.

Ando: To be fair Hiro, you didn't actually save the world either times. Last time it was Peter, and during the one before that you stabbed the wrong guy.

Hiro: Even so, it's left me feeling rather bored.

* * *

_Later that day Hiro gets a message from his father to protect something in an envelope._

Ando: Do you really think it's a good idea to take it out?

Hiro: Oh it's not like anything can happen to it even for a second-

ZOOM

* * *

Hiro's Powers: FREEZE!

(Hiro follows the red blur, leading him to a woman, who turns to look at him)

Daphne: What seems to be the problem, Officer? Was I speeding?

Hiro: Hey, why aren't you frozen?

Daphne: Somehow having the ability to move really quickly makes me resistant and eventually immune to your time stopping abilities.

* * *

Claire: Right then, I'm off to Texas to save my dad, and instead of patching things up with my ex-boyfriend who can fly and get me there in an instant, I'm going to walk there by foot even though it'll take days to get there and by the time I do he'll be long dead.

Sylar: Do you always talk about your plans aloud?

Claire: Not all of them. Just the ones that clearly have not been thought through. I mean, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

* * *

Claire: You? No! You can't be alive! Hiro Nakamura, whose name I somehow know, killed you!

Sylar: I get shot, I fall off a building, I get shot again, oh yeah, a little blade through the chest was gonna kill me. Now then, BRAIIIIIIIINS!

* * *

Mohinder: Mwahahaha! (Holding up a vial) With the power of Maya's adrenaline, I shall gain abilities!

Maya: Mohinder, no! These powers are a curse! It should be destroyed!

Mohinder: Maya, just because your ability kills people, doesn't mean that all abilities are bad. Just look at your brother.

Maya: Who?

* * *

Matt: Peter Petrelli, I'm arresting you for the attempted murder of your brother.

Peter: Matt you dickhead I was there when Nathan was shot, how could I possibly be the culprit?

Matt: Details, details.

Peter: My God, you're even dumber in this time period than you are in mine!

Matt: Say wha?

Peter: Behold! I am from the future!

Matt: The future? Yeah right. Despite the logic and everything I've seen, I've decided not to believe you.

Future Peter: GAH! You've got to be the most annoying character in all of Heroes. Now I shall do the fans a favour and get rid of you once and for all!

Matt: I don't think the fans hate me that much-

VAMOOSH

* * *

Sylar: There, do you see now? You've stabbed me in the heart, yet I'm still alive, yet bleeding. And in pain. But very much alive. Maybe this will help you realise that I CAN'T BE KILLED BY ORDINARY MEANS. Whether it's bullets or concrete OR FRIGGIN BLADES! I'm surprised anyone thought that sword was supposed to kill me!

* * *

Claire: Please don't eat my brain! I-

Sylar: Whoa, whoa, hold on for a second! You think I'm- you thought I am- A brain eater? WHAT NO! I mean, I know I'm a sociopath, but I'm not a cannibal! Oh my God! How could you possibly think that I eat people's brains?

Claire: Oh come on, Sylar! You remove people's brains, the brain is nowhere to be seen, and you absorbed the mutant's power somehow? What are we supposed to think? I know every character in this show is stupid, but we're not completely retarded! Plus what's with you crying out 'BRAIIIIIIIINS' every time you're about to take someone's ability?

Sylar: -Okay, I understand how that can be misleading. Now let me show you, and the audience, how I really take people's abilities! (Pokes the brain) There. Got it.

Claire: So wait- instead of eating people's brains, you just poke it? What a sissy technique!

Sylar: (Holding her scalp)-You know, I was going to give you back your scalp that somehow heals itself with the rest of your head (Drops it) But instead I think I'm just gonna let you lie there for a while (Leaves the house)

Claire: Wait, you're not going to kill me?

Sylar: Claire, I couldn't kill you if I wanted to. You can't die.

Claire: But, what if my head exploded?

Sylar: Then you'd still regenerate.

Claire: But, what would happen if I fell into a mincer so that every part of my body is transformed into a bloody pulp?

Sylar: Then you'd still regenerate.

Claire: But, what would happen if I'm caught in an explosion so that every cell in my body is vapourised so that there isn't anything left to regenerate-

Sylar: Look, you can't die, all right? I don't understand the logic behind it myself, but then again, what is logical on this show? (Slams the door)

Claire: (Mutters) Would be a lot better if we at least had some kind of logical framework.

Commentator: Sad thing is, Claire, I think you guys once did.

* * *

Hiro: Right then, it's time to save the world!

Commentator: Oh joy. Another apocalypse. Seriously, couldn't the writers come up with anything original this volume? I thought this was supposed to be the rejuvenating one?

Sammy: But Boss! Apocalypses are an annual tradition in 'Heroes'. Like in 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'!

Commentator: Yeah, that's another series where the yearly Apocalypse was made fun of. Mainly by the characters themselves.

* * *

Future Peter: So you saw what I was going to do in a dream?

Angela: Where did you think you got you're first ability from?

Commentator: So the fans were right! It really WAS Angela where Peter got his precognitive power from! Huh. That's-kinda convenient.

Professor: You're not thinking that the writers only made her the precog in order to appease the fans, are you?

Commentator: There is that slight possibility.

Future Peter: But, in the past I could only copy someone's power if I was near them. How could I have possibly been copying your power if you were nowhere near me?

Angela: Because shut up.

_What has become of Peter? Can Matt survive in the desert? And can Hiro save the world (Again)? Find out next time on 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'!_

* * *

Sammy: Wow! This has been the best episode since Season One!

Commentator: What are you talking about? This episode was awful!

Sammy: Say what?

Commentator: Look at all the plot holes and inconsistencies it created! So instead of a Company agent it was Peter from the future in spite of the security camera and Angela talking to someone "it had to be done"? And what Claire is apparently completely indestructible despite it being stated before that without a brain she's dead? So what, was she never in any mortal danger from Sylar despite the implications from Season One? Not to mention that the writers have just repeated the same tired plot arc from the last two seasons? How was this episode better? Also what was with Mohinder suddenly giving up on the Company for no clear reason and forgetting all about Niki and her terminal disease? It's like they just sacrificed continuity and logical frameworks for "Dramatic effect"! And look! We had enough material to make fun of one episode instead of combining them! And do you know the last time we abridged just the one episode per chapter? '0.07%'!

Professor: That's not too bad, Sir.

Commentator: It's not particularly good either! Puh. This NEVER happened with Season Two!


	2. The Butterfly Of Them

**I do not own 'Heroes' or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Welcome back my normal and hero wannabe friends to the latest installment of 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'! Before we begin let's take a look at some of the reviews you've sent us. Professor! Open the shoot!

(The Professor does so, and out pops out two envelopes)

Commentator: Right then! Our first review is from BlueWhitney:

Okay, I wasn't expecting this to be funny, but my face = :D This reminds me of the Movies in 15 Minutes over on LJ, and I'm addicted to those. Seeing Heroes done in a similar fashion makes my day. There were so many priceless moments; I think my favorite exchange might be:

Hiro: I've already saved the world twice and now I'm bored.

Ando: To be fair Hiro, you didn't actually save the world either times. Last time it was Peter, and during the one before that you stabbed the wrong guy.

Hiro: Even so, it's left me feeling rather bored.

Also:

Nathan: !kaG *Heart*

My favorite element was probably Matt. Just . . . so very how I feel about Matt, lmao. This was just great. I'll have to read the other eps if you've given them the same treatment. Thanks so much for posting. :)

*Edit* Wrote the above while still in process of reading, then burst out laughing at "Sylar: -Okay, I understand how that can be misleading. Now let me show you, and the audience, how I really take people's abilities! (Pokes the brain) There. Got it." That's . . . that's just hilarious. That whole convo is brilliant, actually.

Commentator: Oh. Actually we weren't trying to be funny with that. And let's check out these movies in fifteen minutes...

Many fifteen minutes later...

Commentator: Okay, these are reasonably funny.

Professor: Reasonably? Sir, don't you think you're being a little harsh there?

Commentator: No I am not. Look at all those great moments they missed out on to make fun of! Honestly, the only parodier whom I've come across that makes fun of every possible flaw is Little Kuriboh.

Professor: But Sir, don't you think Cleodina Jones did a better job at Goblet of Fire than us?

Commentator: -Maybe. Oh I remember reading this POA parody! It helped inspired some bits in our own POA parody. However she still completely missed out on making fun of Remus saying 'I thought it was obvious that I didn't want the boggart to be Voldemort'. HOW IS THAT THE CASE WHEN IT CLEARLY TURNED INTO A DEMENTOR? Sigh. However, I suggest you read our Harry Potter parodies, and see which ones are better. Oo, we're also planning to do a New Moon parody as well!

Professor: Sir, don't you think that sounds a little- pigheaded?

Commentator: What's your point?

Professor: Well, people may presume that Anonymius is trying to convince people that his parodies are better than anyone else's, and it sounds-well-pigheaded.

Commentator: What's your point?

Professor: -Oh never mind. Our second review is from Izzy Lawliet.

Commentator: Izzy Lawliet? You mean that 1 girl who got iffy with us for not including her review in our review special for Spider-Man Abridged before reading the thing in its entirety and found that we did mention it?

Professor: The very same. This is what she had to say:

FINALLY you got to season three, i'd given up on you.

amd your so right, there are so many flaws in volume 3 that you can abidged one episode per chapter: like nathan being religus all of a sudden, then forgetting about it.

anyway update soon

Commentator: Well no out of all the things that happened in Volume 3, that actually made sense. I mean Nathan did have a near-death experience, then discovered that his powers were not God-given (Which, by the way, completely undermined the whole dual theme of the Heroes are part of the next stage of evolution/ God's chosen to save the world by having the one person who did anything useful in the first series turning out to have not been born with his abilities), not to mention gained the impression that it was his dad who saved him and not God, which I think destroyed his new found faith. Also, as you'll probably find, only one episode in volume three is enough for one chapter. The rest are predicted to be combinations. Also apologies for the lateness of this fic. Oh well, on with the next chapter, 'The Butterfly of Them'!

* * *

_Later that day, Sandra and Lyle came across Claire on the coffee table._

Claire: Mom, this is not how it looks!

* * *

Sandra: Claire, be honest with me. Did Sylar, you know…rape you?

Claire: What? No, NO! Well not literally.

* * *

(Sylar strolls to the music of "Staying Alive".)

Commentator: Hey, where's that music coming from?

Sylar: Oh from me. I took the power of someone who could emit songs from their very body.

Company Agent 1: Look! It's Sylar!

Company Agent 2: Shoot him anywhere but the head!

* * *

Bob: Well, well done Elle. Thanks to your incompetence, Sylar took Claire's ability and is now able to recover from lethal bullets without collapsing first!

* * *

Angela: You fool! Don't you realise what you've done? You've completely changed the course of history, in ways you can't imagine! Take Sylar, for example. He was able to take Claire's ability because you told her to stay put.

Future Peter: But, even if I hadn't come to this period, she would have stayed put anyway! Why would telling her to stay in the house instead of helping Nathan make her vulnerable to Sylar if she would have stayed anyway since in the original time-line he didn't get shot?

Angela: Just go and stop her before she gets hit by a train or something!

* * *

_Later that day Future Peter stops Claire from being hit by a train._

Claire: You need to teach me to use my ability to fight! Like what you did to defeat Sylar!

Future Peter: From what I remember from that incident, I was at Sylar's mercy despite having numerous super powers and was only saved because of Niki.

* * *

_Later that day, Nathan discusses with Future Peter the offer of becoming Junior Senator for New York._

Nathan: I've been down this road before. Last time I tried to run for a political office, I became a machiavellian asshole who belittled his mother, cheated on his wife, and did everything in his power to make his little brother miserable.

Future Peter: Yeah, but you're different now. You've gained so much more likability since the first half of the first season!

* * *

_Later that day Elle comes face to face with her father's killer._

Elle: SYLAR? How the Hell did you get here so quickly? Don't tell me you strolled all the way from California to New York in under ten minutes?

Sylar: It's all thanks to one of my numerous off screen abilities. I took one from a guy who could go anywhere instantaneously! How else do you think I'm able to move across the country with ease?

Elle: I assumed it was a writer's blunder!

Sylar: I can understand that. Look at me, I'm Christopher Lee! How? Because I'm the man with the golden gun! Haha, I'm so funny! Now then, BRAIIIIIIIIIIIINS!

Electrical surge: DEUS EX MACHINA!

Sylar: Oof!

(Gets knocked into the power grid)

Blown out power grid: DIABOLUS EX MACHINA!

* * *

_Later that day, Noah arrives at his old home to explain to his daughter about the situation._

Claire: Let me help you! I helped save the world that one time, didn't I?

Noah: Saved it? Claire, all you did was point a gun at your uncle's head, and all you could do was whine that you couldn't kill your uncle even though with the bullet removed he'd just come back to life! I mean, if you can't kill someone who can just come back to life, then what use are you? Don't worry, though, I've called someone to look after you and the family.

Claire: Who?

(Meredith enters)

Meredith: Hi Claire.

Claire: Bio-Mom? Hey, what happened to your accent?

Meredith: What accent?

Claire: That's precisely my point!

* * *

Angela: Sylar, I am your mother. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

DUM DUM DUUUUUUUM!

(Silence)

Commentator: I don't believe it!

Sammy: I know! What a twist! What a shocking revelation! What a-

Commentator: No, I mean I don't believe it. It's not true, not a chance! No way! Nuh-uh!

Sammy: Why?

Commentator: No.1, it's too soap operary. No.2 Angela would undoubtedly want to control Sylar, so it's just a coincidence that she's his mum? No, it's obviously a trick to make Sylar work for her!

* * *

_Later that day Angela brings in someone for Sylar._

Sylar: Who's this?

Angela: I'm going to give you a power that you'll likely never use in the near future making people think that this is a pointless scene.

* * *

Nathan: So, what exactly are you?

Linderman: I'm an angel, Nathan. Think of me like Number Six in 'Battlestar Galactica'.

Nathan: Yeah, excuse me for not believing God made a villain his angel.

* * *

_Meanwhile at the Bennett home, Sandra argues with her daughter over the importance of school._

Sandra: Claire, you are a seventeen-year-old girl.

Claire: -Aren't I sixteen at this point?

Sandra: What? No, you're seventeen.

Claire: I'm pretty sure that Dad said I was almost sixteen at the beginning of last season and not much time has passed since then so I must be-

Sandra: Claire, go to your room! After you've gone to school that is.

* * *

Angela: Here are your targets: Deimos. Pyro. German Magneto. And Banshee, the most terrible of them all.

Commentator: And he happens to be the one that Peter is inside? How cliché.

Sylar: Wait a minute. Deimos? Pyro? German Magneto? What kind of names are these?

HRG: Oh these are nicknames that were given to them, their real names have become forgotten.

Commentator: Oh by the way. Given the number of comic-book like names that are around at the moment, Anonymius has decided to place the series for the remainder of the arc in the super-hero parallel universe.

Sylar: Oh no, I'm going to have to be called Clockwork, aren't I?

Commentator: Yep. Transition ending in three, two, one-

* * *

Flying Man: WHAT THE HEY? What's going on? Why am I suddenly wearing red and white spandex, and have feathers attached to my arms? Oh no. Why am I in my Flying Man costume?

Dr Asclepius: It's been decided that given the number of comic-book like names that are around at the moment, Anonymius has decided to place the series for the remainder of the arc in the superhero parallel universe.

Flying Man: Oh no. This is so embarrassing.

Assistant: (Hands over a document) Here you go, Flying Man.

Flying Man: Er, thanks. Listen, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm dressed as a superhero-

Assistant: I just want you to know that it's an honour working for you, Flying Man.

Flying Man: -Oh. Really? Why?

Assistant: Well you're Flying Man! You're the most popular superhero around!

Flying Man: -I am?

Assistant: Well yeah! Just listen to that crowd outside!

Flying Man: Eh?

(Looks out. Sees people singing his theme music)

Flying Man: Wow. Perhaps being a superhero isn't so bad after all- Linderman, why are you wearing a toga?

Dr Asclepius: Linderman is just my civilian Identity. Call me- (squeezes fist) Dr Asclepius!

* * *

_Deep in the heart of the desert of Nevada,_

_Lies the fortress of a derivative supervillain! _

_His plans are convoluted._

_And they do what someone else did!_

_Fear his snake entwined staff that shoot from the eyes green rays!_

_He's Doctor-Doctor Asclepius!_

(A man in a trench coat wearing a hat and a steel mask enters)

Mr T: You wanted to see me, Sir?

Dr Asclepius: Ah, Mr T! Yes, I wanted to show you my latest plan for world domination. I call it (Removes the sheet) 'Project Greenhouse'!

Mr T: 'Project Greenhouse'?

Dr Asclepius: Yes! Basically I shall inform all the world leaders that I shall hold the world at ransom, by threatening to destroy all the rain-forests and pump CO2 into the atmosphere! The excess of CO2 in the atmosphere will entrap more heat, raising the global temperature that shall melt the polar ice caps, and flood the world, unless all the world leaders hand over the world to me! MWAHAHAHAHAA!

(Mr T stares at him)

Dr Asclepius: What?

Mr T: Er, yeah, the world's already going through a process like that. It's called Global Warming.

D r Asclepius: Oh. Well. What super-criminal has done this?

Mr T: Oil companies and deforesters, Sir.

Dr Asclepius: Oh right. Well, are they holding the world at ransom?

Mr T: No Sir, to be honest, many people are in denial it's happening, such as most Americans.

Dr Asclepius: What? But that's like a smoker in denial that smoking gives him cancer, or a alcoholic in denial that the alcohol is damaging his brain and liver!

Mr T: People would rather believe that they can pump CO2 into the atmosphere and cut down trees without any sort of consequence than that factories and the loss of trees has effected the Eco-system.

Dr Asclepius: All right, forget 'Project Greenhouse'! I have a second plan that is bound to work, I shall punch a hole into the ozone, threatening to infect the world with skin cancer, unless they surrender the world to me, MWAAHAHAHA!

Mr T: You are kidding, right? Daniel, everyone knows about the hole in the ozone layer!

Dr Asclepius: Fine then, then there shall be two holes in the ozone layer!

(Mr T stares at him)

Dr Asclepius: What?

Mr T: Er, yeah, that's not going to work either.

Dr Asclepius: What? Why not?

Mr T: Well, you see, you probably would have gotten away with a decade ago, but nowadays people don't really care about the ozone layer that much, it's more of a nineties thing. Global Warming is all the craze nowadays.

Dr Asclepius: But people don't even believe it's happening!

Mr T: Also, didn't you just completely rip off the ozone thing from Dr E-?

Dr Asclepius: NO! My plan is nothing like Dr Evil's! My plan is completely different! All right fine, forget 'Project Ozone'! Now, you are aware the district attorney Nathan Petrelli is threatening to expose my civilian identity?

Mr T: I'm aware of this. Why?

Dr Asclepius: Well, we have to get rid of him.

Mr T: -And how do you plan to do that?

Dr Asclepius: It is simple. First, I shall build a weather machine. Then, I shall shoot him with an amnesia ray. Then, I shall use the weather machine to create a tornado that will carry Petrelli all the way to Somalia! There, with no memory as to who he is he will be vulnerable in the worst place in the world, and good chance he will wind up dead! MWAHAHAHA! It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!

(Mr T stares at him)

Dr Asclepius: Oh what now?

Mr T: How is that plan simple in any way?

Dr Asclepius: It's a figure of speech, T.

Mr T: So basically, your plan is to kill him?

Dr Asclepius: Well, yes.

Mr T: Sir, couldn't you just zap him with your staff?

Dr Asclepius: Well, I don't know. I suppose my- THAT'S NOT THE POINT! I am the evil genius here, you're just the sidekick!

Mr T: You know I swear you evil geniuses just come up with these unnecessarily complicated schemes because you don't feel clever without them.

Dr Asclepius: What's your point?

_He's Doctor, Doctor Asclepius!_

* * *

_Meanwhile at the bank, there is a disagreement between German Magneto and the other supervillains._

German Magneto: GAK!

Absorbing Man: NO! Why did you kill him off? He seemed like such an interesting character!

* * *

_Meanwhile in New Orleans, Tracey Strauss locates the funeral of Niki Sanders._

(As Tracey stares into the contents of the coffin, the three commentators slowly take a peak)

Sammy: Well, so much for you being another personality of Niki.

Professor: Well, it's not too shocking I guess. I mean, were we really expecting that Niki somehow survived the explosion, travelled all the way to New York with another identity and instantly settled into said identity with a completely different ability?

Commentator: How the Hell did her body remain intact from the explosion?

Tracey: Oh well, time to get away before any relative sees (Turns around and sees Micah behind her) me.

Sammy: Well this is kinda awkward.

Commentator: Yah think?

Micah: Mom? Hey wait, you're not my mom!

Tracy: Okay, how is it that Senator Flying Man and that reporter guy were confident that I am Niki Sanders, yet you take one look at me and you instantly know that I'm not your mom? Is it because you're really intelligent? Or is it because of the spiritual connection between mother and son?

Micah: Well, that and the body in the coffin over there.

Tracy: (Turns to look at coffin) Yeah, that would help.

* * *

Tracy: I'm so confused. How is it that we look so alike?

Micah: (Looks on the computer) It's because you are twins.

Tracy: TWINS? WHAT A SHOCKING- actually now that think about it, that was the obvious answer.

* * *

_Meanwhile in New York, Clockwork and HRG travel to the bank where the two supervillains are holding hostages._

HRG: Now, you let me do the talking. Understand? Besides I don't think they'll take a guy in spandex seriously.

Clockwork: Well I don't know how you're supposed to give a good impression dressed like that.

HRG: -What are you-? (Catches his reflection in the mirror) AAAAAAAAAAAH!

(Halts the car)

Clockwork: (Almost goes through the window) WAH!

HRG: What the-? (Feels face) What's going on? Why am I wearing a ski hat over my face with the glasses outside and a hat? And why am I wearing a trench coat and black gloves?

Clockwork: Apparently you're a superhero too.

HRG: But I don't even have powers!

Clockwork: That never stopped Batman.

HRG: Uh-oh. We've arrived. And the police are coming right up. And I don't have time to change! Don't worry, I can handle this. (Steps out of the car) Hi there. I suppose you're wondering why I've got a ski hat over my face? Well, the thing is-

Policeman: Oh I see. You're one of these I-Men types that have arrived, have you?

HRG: No I'm-wait what?

Policeman: Well, sorry to disappoint you, but we've got the situation under control here, we don't need any of you superheroes taking work away from paid, honest cops-AH! (Notices Clockwork) What-what's he doing with you?

HRG: -You know him?

Policemen: I Are you kidding? That's Clockwork! The world's deadliest supervillain! He'll eat your brains if you're not careful!

(HRG and Clockwork look at each other)

HRG: Apparently in this bizarre alternate universe the Company is a well known global organisation of superheroes rather than a covert organisation and you are a well known supervillain.

Clockwork: Oh. Really? Let's give it a test run. Brains!

Policemen: AH!

Clockwork: BRAINS!

Everyone: AH!

Clockwork: BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!

Everyone: AHHHHHH! IT'S CLOCKWORK! RUNAWAY BEFORE HE HAS A CHANCE TO EAT YOUR BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!

(Everyone drives away)

Clockwork: Hehe. That' was fun. And as a bonus I got rid of all the cops and bystanders!

* * *

_Meanwhile inside the bank, Deimos relates with Banshee (Who Absorbing Man is in) past events._

Absorbing Man: Heh heh, yeah. I just fell for the "guy says something the other guy thinks he's supposed to know but it's a lie revealing him as a fraud", didn't I?

Deimos: That you did.

WHACK

Deimos: Did you really think that we wouldn't notice?

Absorbing Man: Well yeah but then I thought in spite of my constant cries of "I'M PETER PETRELLI! I'M PETER PETRELLI!" that I could continue the farce indefinitely.

Deimos: If you're not Banshee then why did you stick with us?

Commentator: You know, I've been wondering the exact same thing.

Absorbing Man: Simple. I didn't want to let you guys get away with hurting anyone.

Deimos: If that's true then why didn't you do anything when I was beating that guy to death last night while Pyro set another on fire?

Absorbing Man: Yes, you've pointed out a major flaw in undercover operations.

* * *

_Later that day Clockwork and HRG enter the bank, only to be captured by the supervillains. However, Absorbing Man manages to use Banshee's power to disable Pyro and Deimos. However, by then, Future Absorbing Man arrives, and releases Absorbing Man from Banshee._

Commentator: So let me get this straight, Future Peter has acquired the ability to somehow put whole people in other people's bodies? That has got to be the most illogical power in this series I've ever seen!

_And so, Future Absorbing Man, who wears a darker green version of the Absorbing Man costume, takes Absorbing Man to the future, leaving HRG and Clockwrok at the mercy of Pyro, Deimos and Banshee. Or has he?_

HRG: WHOA! It seems in this bizarre parallel universe where superheroes are real I've got cool martial skills!

_And so, HRG and Clockwork manage to overpower the supervillains, only for Clockwork to betray HRG to consume Banshee's power._

Clockwork: BRAIIIIIIIIIIIINS!

* * *

(Pops the last bit of brain in his mouth)

Clockwork: Mmm. That was some good BRAIIIINS.

HRG: Clockwork! I thought you didn't actually eat the brain?

Clockwork: (Realises what he has done) Oh no, what have I done? I'm a monster! NOOOOOOOOO!

_What does Future Absorbing Man want to show Absorbing Man? What is the truth of Tracey and Nikki's (Herculea) origin? Can Clockwork come to terms with the fact that in this universe he is a cannibal? Find out next time on 'Heroes abridged (With Commentary)'!_


	3. I Am Become Death

**I do not own 'Heroes' or anything related.**

_

* * *

_

Commentator: Welcome back my normal and hero wannabe friends to the latest instalment of 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'! Before we begin let's take a look at some of the reviews you've sent us. PROFESSOR! OPEN THE SHOOT!

(The Professor does so, and out pops an envelope)

Commentator: Right then! Our review of the chapter is from Izzy Lawliet:

OK chapter I guess. just not feeling it like I use to. maybe its just those  
particular episodes, i don't know. anyway keep on truckin'.

Commentator: Wait, what? She didn't enjoy it? But I thought it was one of our best chapters, what she didn't like the scene with Dr Asclepius or Noah freaking out that he suddenly became a costumed superhero? Huh. Maybe this is how the writers themselves felt when making Volume 3. You know, thinking they made something better than before yet the audience themselves didn't agree.

Professor: It is a possibility. Or it could be just those episodes. Then again by that logic we might as well say that the others will not do very well. At least we're encouraged to continue. Oh, Sir. You know how you keep referring to Izzy Lawliet as a girl?

Commentator: Yeah. What about it?

Professor: Well, um, you are best to read further on.

Commentator: Why? (Looks down the review) What's here that could possibly-oh. Um. Whoops. You know, I had a feeling that Izzy Lawliet was probably a guy.

Professor: You did not!

Commentator: I so did! But in my defense, Izzy sounded like it could be a girl's name! You know, short for Isabel, or even Elizabeth, Isabella, or even Izebel! As well as being short for Israel, Isaac, Isambard, Isidore or Ismael!

Professor: You're just reading this off from Wikipedia, aren't you?

Commetnator: (By a computer) What, it's useful when finding out if Izzy can indeed be a girl's name! Hmm (Checks the computer some more) Huh. Apparently Israel is a common name in America, who would've thunk it? Anyway, let's read further on:

P.P.S. you sure mention littlekuriboh alot( OK like 2 or 3 times but still)  
you must really like him.

Commentator: Well why not? Little Kuriboh is one of the greatest parodiers out there along with Itsjustsomerandomguy, and possibly Colin 'Zeke' Heyman of Fiveminutedotnet, although it's been a while since we've read anything on that website. Although he is still the best parodier on that website. He's like the Little Kuriboh of that website and the others are all the other abridged series. And he was the one who inspired Anonymius to make these kind of parodies. Anyhoo, on with the next chapter, 'I am become Death'. Wait. 'I Am Become Death'? Just on its own? Huh. I guess there was enough for another stand alone episode after all!

* * *

_Meanwhile at Zimmerman's house, Dr Zimmerman has just finished explaining to Tracy about her origin story._

Tracey: Wait. That's what you meant by 'creating me'? You just gave me my power?

Zimmerman: Well yes. What did you think I meant?

Tracey: Well I assumed by 'creating me' you literally created me, i.e. cloned me from a sample of this other meta-human who was possibly connected to the I-Men and that there are all these Nikki clones out there waiting to be activated in case one of us dies.

Zimmerman: -Huh. That actually would have been a better origin story. Oh well!

Tracey: So, any chance of reversing this?

Zimmerman: Sorry. What is done cannot be undone for some reason.

Tracey: Why not?

Zimmerman: Dramatic reasons.

Tracey: I mean it made sense when it was just something you were born with. I mean, it's not like you can change your genes! Yet.

* * *

_Meanwhile in the Future, Future Absorbing Man shows Absorbing Man the future and what will happen._

Absorbing Man: But why hasn't assassinating Flying Man stopped this? And by the way, why would Flying Man unmasking himself lead to a future where everyone has abilities?

Future Absorbing Man: Well, instead of making it clear that I assassinated Flying Man for a completely different dystopian future instead of confusing the issue that this future is the same one I tried to stop, completely messing up continuity from an episode ago, so that you'll know when to stop a certain niece with suicidal tendencies from throwing herself off a Ferris wheel or something, I'm not going to answer your question at all and instead tell you to find Clockwork and absorb his ability to help you save the world when it's more likely you'll become a second Clock-GAK!

Absorbing Man: A second Clock-GAK? What's a second Clock-Gak? Who's the first Clock-GAK? (Looks down at his future corpse) Oh come now! Don't tell me you've forgotten that you can come back from the dead! (Notices Lethe) Oh. Just checking. RUN AWAY!

* * *

Future Speedster: Well done, Future Resurrection Girl! You've killed Future Absorbing Man!

Future Ressurection Girl: You do know that having the same regenerative ability as me he can't die, right?

Future Speedster: Future Resurrection Girl, just because he's as immortal as you doesn't mean that he's as immortal as you.

Future Resurrection Girl: Buh?

* * *

_Meanwhile in the Future, Absorbing Man locates Future Clockwork and discovers a shocking revelation about him._

Absorbing Man: Wait. CLOCKWORK IS MY BROTHER? Huh. Given that our abilities are similar, that's not that surprising, although the fact that us two opposites are brothers is also kinda cliché.

Commentator: Drat. It's looking far more likely that Sylar really is their brother. It's very unlikely that Angela was able to keep up the ruse for five years straight!

* * *

Absorbing Man: Say, Sy. I can't help but notice that your son has the same name as HRG. And where's his mother? Meh. I'm sure it'll be explained eventually. Just like why all my future selves have scars.

Future Gabriel Gray: Absorbing Man, I know why you're here, and I can't give it to you.

Absorbing Man: Why not?

Gabriel: Do you know why I gave up using my powers?

Absorbing Man: Because you wanted to be a better man for your son?

Gabriel: -Well, that's one reason. But there's a more important one.

Absorbing Man: And what's that?

Gabriel: Do you understand what my power is?

Absorbing Man: Sure. Eating people's brains, although I'm not entirely sure how's that supposed to help me save the world.

Gabriel: -It is not simply absorbing powers by eating people BRAIIIIIIIIIINS! Ahem. Sorry. Old habits die hard. No, my main power is that to understand how things work, and with that power, you're able to see where things are broken. And believe me. This show is very, very, VERY, broken. With my powers, you'll be able to see all the plot holes and inconsistencies, and so many have developed over the past eight years that to continue using my ability would drive me insane. Or is it actually six? Yes, it must be six. It's the only thing that makes chronological sense. But then how has Claire skipped a year? Are we to somehow believe that normal time has passed despite season three picking up where season two left us? Or has Claire simply jumped a year? If it's the former, then how does that fit in with Matt's baby son? How is it that three years have passed yet Matt Jr. is still a baby? And how is it that Matt doesn't even know he exists? He knew he existed, Janice told him, in fact he left her because she said she wasn't his, and why would she say this? And how is it that five years have passed and Molly has barely aged? And why did Matt completely forget about her two years after Mohinder sent her off screen GYAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Takes deep breaths). You see? If that's enough to drive me insane, then I don't know how it's going to affect you!

Absorbing Man: Hmm. Is that why you became a brain eater, Gabe? Because all the plot holes and inconsistencies drove you insane?

Gabriel: What? No, I became a brain eater because with the understanding of how things work also brings the hunger to consume people's abilities. Besides there weren't even that many plot holes when I got my power, surprising that may sound.

Absorbing Man: So let me get this straight. Having the ability to understand how things work and knowing how to fix them also somehow gave you the hunger for powers? What is your ability kryptonite induced or something?

Gabriel: Yeah I never understood how that worked either, ironic as it sounds.

_Later that day Absorbing Man convinces Gabriel to use Oracle's power to see into the future._

Gabriel: I see. Then I have no choice but to give you my power. It is the only way to save the world.

Absorbing Man: It is? Woohoo! All right! Now finally I can be a useful hero!

Gabriel: Er, sure, why not.

_Later that day the supervillains arrive, and engage Absorbing Man and Gabriel in a climatic showdown. When Deimos kills Gabriel's son, the latter becomes enraged and goes nuclear, taking Costa Verde with him._

* * *

Absorbing Man: Wait, what happened?

Future Resurrection Girl: We regenerated from a nuclear explosion that vapourised our very cells.

Absorbing Man: And Clockwork didn't despite having the same ability and the fact that the nuclear explosion power doesn't work that way?

Future Resurrection Girl: Yes, I don't understand the logic of it myself. And now, Absorbing Man, I shall punish you for the deaths of those in Costa Verde.

Absorbing Man: What are you talking about? How is it my fault that Clockwork exploded, your friend Deimos was the one who killed his kid! OW!

Future Resurrection Girl: Did I ask for a reasonable reason?

Future Flying Man: HERE I AAAAAAAAAAAAM, TO SAVE ABSORBING MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

_Later that day Future Flying Man convinces Absorbing Man to use Clockwork's power._

Absorbing Man: Ah, ahh, AHHHHH!

Future Flying Man: Pete, what's wrong?

Absorbing Man: I-I see them, Nathan!

Future Flying Man: See what?

Absorbing Man: The plot holes. The inconsistencies in our world. They're so-numerous! All these expectations of suspense of belief! Like how is Molly fifteen when she looks more like ten? And how did we skip a year? And why does Resurrection Girl blame me for what happened to Costa Verde- AAH!

Future Flying Man: Pete! You've got to fight it, Pete!

Absorbing Man: I can't! They're so numerous and huge and there's nothing I can do to correct them and – and- BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!

Future Flying Man: GAK!

Aide: MR President! Mr President! Is everything all right?

Absorbing Man: Must-escape-dystopian-future. Must- return- to simple time- with fewer-plot holes!

VAMOOSH

* * *

Absorbing Man: Huh. Nope. Still too many plot holes. Mustn't have gone back far enough. (Notices Sylar) Erm, I mean, aha! I have arrived in Clockwork's holding cell! Which is just what I intended to do! Yeah.

Clockwork: Plotholes? (Smiles) Ah. I see. You have my power now, don't you? How are you dealing with the holes by the way?

Absorbing Man: I have seen the future! And it's full of holes!

Clockwork: Yes, I was afraid that might happen. If there are still holes multiplying by the beginning of the fifth season I may have to give up my power.

Absorbing Man: Seriously, how do you cope with all these plot holes?

Clockwork: I don't.

(Absorbing Man stares at Clockwork as his grin widens.)

Clockwork: Hahahaha. Hahahahaha! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA! Ah. Inconsistencies.

_Can Absorbing Man cope with Clockwork's power? Or will he become a second Clockwork? And how will Tracy deal with her power? Find out next time on 'Superheroes Abridged (With Commentary)'!_

* * *

_And now let's take a look at what's happening in the fortress of Dr Asclepius!_

Mr T: You've got a letter, Sir.

Dr Asclepius: Oh really? Who's it from?

Mr T: It's from another supervillain who is taking you to court, accusing you of stealing their evil plan. (Throws it into the large pile)

Dr Asclepius: Well, I'm a villain! Aren't I supposed to be capable of theft?

Mr T: Not plans, Sir! That just makes you look unoriginal!

Dr Asclepius: Well I don't care! I'll beat anyone who claims I stole their evil scheme, just like I beat that Eric guy who accused me of stealing his 'getting rid of a foe by sucking them into a tornado and depositing them in the worst place on Earth' plan!

* * *

Judge: After careful consideration, I have decided that even though the plaintiff's plan of "getting rid of someone via a tornado and depositing them in the worst place imaginable giving them amnesia along the way so that they would wind up killed" clearly came before the defendant's, and that even the dialogue between Mr T and the defendant over the plan mirrors that of the plaintiff and his sidekick, nevertheless because the plaintiff's plan has never existed in published form, I have no choice but to rule in favour of the defendant.

Hammer: HIT.

Dr Asclepius: YES! AT LAST, MY VERY OWN PLAN! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

The plaintiff groaned.

"I told you you shouldn't have been your own lawyer," remarked his Electrode, speaking in his Electrode language.

"Well excuse me for not seeing the point in having someone put your case forward if you can put it forward well yourself," Replied Eric Yamaru.

_He's Dr, Dr Asclepius!_

* * *

**P.S. I do not own Electrode or anything related either.**


	4. Angels and Monsters

**I do not own 'Heroes' or anything related.**

* * *

_26th December_

Commentator: Happy Boxing Day my normal and hero wannabe friends! To those of you who recognise Boxing Day, that is. To those of you who don't know what that is, I hope the game goes well. Now I know it's been a long, long time since this fic was updated, but what better time than Christmas? So before we begin let's take a look at some of the previous reviews you sent us.

Professor: - Seriously?

Commentator: - Buh?

Professor: Sir, it's been almost two years since most of these were sent, is there any point?

Commentator: - Okay Prof, we need to talk.

Professor: About what?

Commentator: Ever since we started this fic for every day for each of the twelve days of Christmas you've been an outright Scrooge! Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch is all you've been doing since we started! Which is pretty ironic since you're a -

Professor: Sir as you are well aware I serve as the yin to your yang. So when you express enthusiasm, I must express skepticism. However, apologies if it seems I have been complaining too much.

Commentator: Apology not accepted!

Professor: See what I mean?

Commentator: - Anyhoo, better late than never, so let's see what people sent us! This one was from Jcogginsa:

who's eric yamaru

Commentator: He's the main antagonist of one of Anonymius' other fanfics. Check out "Pokemon the Movie: The shadow of the dictator" for more information!

Sammy: Our second review is from Izzy Lawliet:

Yay update!I felt just like sylar did with all the plot holes that make less sence the more you think about them.I hope Hiro apppers soon, he's my favorite character.

Commentator: Oh don't worry, Hiro will be featured in this chapter. Wait a minute! Hiro hasn't been that vacant, has he?

Professor: Well Sir he didn't appear in the last two chapters.

Commentator: Ah right. Go on Sam!

Sammy: "Personally, what i disliked about volume three the most wasn't the plot holes, but all the missed return of Adam(aka the immortal), speedster being a nemisis for Hiro, a future where everyone has powers, Micha's storyline from season 2 being one of these could have held up volume 3 if the writer had used them to their full potential.O well."

Commentator: Yes it was a shame how it felt that Adam was killed off so quickly! In a way that made no sense! And Daphne didn't really become the big nemesis for Hiro despite being referred to as that by Hiro and Ando even later on, who for some reason can't refer to people by their proper names! As for Micah, they couldn't really carry on with him straight away given the passage of time in the series and how quickly the actor was growing in real time. Carry on, Sam!

Sammy: And finally he says:

P.S. my real name's not izzy lawliet. thats an alias i use when i'm 's my favorite character from digimon adventure, and L Lawliet is from death note.I couldn't think of another name so i used those.

P.P.S.

I like littlekuriboh too.

Commentator: Well it's always great to find a fellow fan!

(Silence)

Commentator: Prof.

Professor: Huh?

Commentator: It's your turn.

Professor: Huh?

Commentator: To read a review!

Professor: What?

Commentator: Come on, Prof, Sammy took your turn, now it's yours!

Professor: All right, fine. I shall indulge this only once. Ahem, our third review is from Silversshadow13:

Recently found this fic, lucky me!

I LOL'd (Is that how you'd write it?) Alot. I thought along the same lines as Claire with the whole, Sylar DOESN'T eat brains thing.

Can't wait to see what you do next chapter!

Silver

Commentator: Well, better late than never I always say! Our fourth review is from queenofthelands:

I actually enjoyed series 3, despite the plotholes, but I have to say that I do completely adore these abridged... things (there should be a definitive name for these things, seriously... Or maybe I'm just dim). Anyway, I love the fact that everyone now goes by superhero names, even HRG and Syl- I mean Clockwork, laughing evilly at the inconsistencies and being able to see plotholes :)

Anyways, I really hope you continue with this :)

We prefer to call them also 'Abridged Commentaries'.

Professor: Our fifth and final review, which is a bit more recent, is from Djinneya:

This was so much fun to read! Heroes Season 1 started out so original and suspenseful, and the cast were attractive and talented, but the story plot just plummeted in the later seasons. Very sad, but it makes for a great setting for parodies. ;)

Commentator: I didn't think Season 2 was that bad. In fact I thought it was better than 1, much to the disagreement of my colleagues.

Professor: Sir, I merely questioned how you decided it was better-

Commentator: Of course Anonymius feels that the show didn't really jump the shark until Season 3. That's when he started to consider parodying it.

Professor: What did he think of doing before?

Commentator: Oh he had a couple of more serious ideas. Interestingly enough one of Sylar's lines from the one where they're all in the future was taken from an alternate idea Anonymius had of someone else taking over the future. Of course nothing came out of any of those!

* * *

Somewhere in a dark room, a figure was sitting on a throne.

"Soon," It said, holding up a snow globe in its long, green armoured fingers. An infection spread through the snow globe, making it look purplish and icy.

"Soon I shall have my retribution!"

The figure smashed the globe, which shattered into many glassy pieces.

* * *

Commentator: Huh. Did anyone else feel that?

Professor: Feel what?

Commentator: Oh well, it was probably just me then, and without further ado, here's-

Door: KNOCK KNOCK

Commentator: Now who could that be?

(Goes towards the door, opens it, and in flies a pair of turtles with white wings and bird legs before flying out)

Commentator: Well that was being a bit too literal! And without further ado, here's 'Angels and Monsters'! Wait. Another single episode? And this one feels longer than the others! Even without the beginning!

Professor: Well that might partly be because we have scenes from the previous episode or episodes. Also we've had this conversation before that some episodes are easier to parody than others regardless of the-

Commentator: Yeah yeah.

* * *

_Previously, on 'Super Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)' -_

Future Absorbing Man: Absorbing Man, welcome to the future, where everyone has powers, which will lead to the destruction of the world.

Absorbing Man: Wait. Giving people abilities will doom the world?

Future Absorbing Man: Well yeah!

Absorbing Man: Huh. I always had the impression that it was supposed to do the exact opposite. By the way, did we ever manage to rescue Caitlin?

Future Absorbing Man: Who?

Absorbing Man: I'm not sure, but I think she's important somehow.

* * *

_Meanwhile back at Mohinder's flat, Mohinder confronts an abusive husband._

Abusive Husband: Just stay out of this, Sayid!

Mohinder: Oh I am so sick of telling people this. For the last time, (Bashing abusive husband's head into the wall) I-AM-INDIAN!

Sammy: Hey Boss! Maybe we should lay off on the 'everyone mistakes Mohinder for a middle easterner' joke?

Commentator: Huh?

Sammy: Well I'm just thinking that do Americans really keep mistaking Indian people for middle easterners? I mean the golden rule of comedy is that it's only funny if it's true so maybe we shouldn't have characters calling Mohinder Sayid or that he's from a centralised country or that he speaks Arabic.

Professor: Um, Sam. That line's not in the parody. He actually calls him Sayid in the episode.

Sammy: WAIT WHAT? You mean, Americans really DO mistake Indians to be Middle Eastern? I thought that was just one of Anonymius' baseless rants!

Commentator: Nope, he was surprisingly accurate this time round.

Wife: No! Stop beating up my abusive husband!

* * *

_Later that day the Abusive Husband tracks Mohinder down._

Mohinder: Wait. How did you find out where I live?

Abusive Husband: - I don't know.

Mohinder: So let me get this straight. You actually came down here, picking a fight with a guy, who was strong enough to bash your face in a wall?

Abusive Husband: What's your point?

Mohinder: Oh, none at all. (Grabs the Abusive Husband)

Abusive Husband: Wah! (Is pulled into the room. Crunching sounds can be heard) No! No! AAAAAAAAAH!

* * *

Abusive Husband: No, please, stop eating crisps right next to my ear! It's really irritating!

Mohinder: Well maybe this will teach you not to be abusive towards your wife. What? You actually thought that I was eating him? Shame on you people. Shame on you.

* * *

_Meanwhile after returning from the future, Absorbing Man encounters Clockwork._

Absorbing Man: No! No! I won't become a killer like you! And I'll prove it by snapping your neck!

Clockwork: That doesn't make any - GAK!

Commentator: I say, Professor, this moment reminds me of an episode of Reboot!

* * *

Mirror Matrix: You have become a trigger happy jerk who only cares about himself.

Matrix: No! I'm not! And I shall prove it by blasting you into pieces!

Mirror Matrix: Wouldn't that just prove my poin - GAK!

* * *

Absorbing Man: Mom! Why didn't you tell me that Clockwork was my brother?

Sybil: To be fair, Absorbing Man, we've never been in a situation where we both knew that each other knew of Clockwork.

Absorbing Man: Don't give me your logic, it has no place on this show!

Commentator: He ain't wrong there.

Absorbing Man: Now I'm gonna cut your head open to get all your secrets! Even though I'm a telepath and I can just read your mind. BRAIIIIIIIIIIIINS!

Clockwork: That's MY catchphrase, you bastard! Give it back! (Causes him to be knocked against the glass)

Absorbing Man: OOF!

* * *

_Meanwhile at Monhinder's apartment, Mohinder is encasing people in cocoons._

Commentator: He's encasing people in cocoons? Yep. Definitely a Spider Man. Wait. Why exactly have you done this?

Spider Man: - I'm not quite sure…

* * *

_Meanwhile back at his apartment, Flying Man is arguing with Dr Asclepius._

Flying Man: Asclepius, last time you tried to help the world you somehow planned to blow up half of New York and turn everyone against super powered people! At least the best that can be said about that plan is that at least it made more sense than the plan concocted by the main antagonists in Day 2 of 24!

* * *

Peter Kingsley: The tape has been recovered and those three nameless Arab countries have been implicated.

Max: Excellent. Soon America shall wage in the Middle East, and when they do, the oil from the Caspian Sea shall be all ours!

Archetypical Corporate Villains: Mwahahaha!Mwahaha! Mwahahaha! Mwahahaa! MWahahaaha! AHAHAHAHAHAAH-

Alexander Trepkos: WAIT A MINUTE! Did you say the Caspian Sea?

Max: Yes. Why?

Alexander Trepkos: But - there aren't any Arab countries bordering the Caspian Sea!

Peter Kingsley: - Come again?

Alexander Trepkos: No! (Pulls down a map of the world) See? (Points to the Caspian Sea, and draws his finger around it) It's all Russian, Turkic and Iranian there.

Peter Kingsley: - They're not the same thing? Apart from Russia I mean?

Alexander Trepkos: NO! That's like saying French and German are the same thing!

Peter Kingsley: Touche. Aw crap.

Max: You know, we probably should have checked a map before we came up with this cliché plan for economic domination.

* * *

_Meanwhile back at the Bennet house, Sandra and Pyra are going through the profiles of some of the escaped Super Villains._

Sandra: Huh. Void? Well he doesn't seem so bad a guy. What's his power?

Pyra: He can create plot holes.

Sandra: - I'm sorry?

Pyra: He can create plot holes.

Sandra: - I'm sorry. I think I had something in my ear. It sounded like you said this Void can create plot holes.

Pyra: Yes! Plot holes! Holes in the Narrative where anyone and anything is sucked in.

Sandra: - Wait a minute! I thought the whole point about the plot hole was that nobody realises that it is there?

Pyra: Yes. That's true. What's your point?

Sandra: Well if that's true then how do people know that there are plot holes?

Pyra: Oh, because only really intelligent people are aware of plot holes.

Sandra: - You mean people like -?

* * *

_H.R.G.'s Journal: October 13th, 2008. Or is it 2007? I'm not entirely sure what year it is! But that's not important. We are hunting down a villain named Void. This world is afraid of me, I have seen its true face. And all the whores and politicians will look up and cry out "Save us!" And I'll whisper -_

Clockwork: What are you doing?

HRG: I'm writing in my journal.

Clockwork: - You have a journal? Since when?

HRG: Since recently. Ever since I became a super hero I've had this deep hatred of the world and the desire to write about what I'm thinking.

Clockwork: What you're thinking or what you're feeling?

HRG: - What?

Clockwork: No, sorry, don't mind me. Continue writing in your diary.

HRG: It's not a diary, Clockwork, it's a journal.

Clockwork: Potato, Potato!

HRG: Grrrr. Look, let's just focus on the task at hand, okay?

Clockwork: Right then! So, our next target's name is Void, huh? I'm guessing from his name that he can create black holes, right?

HRG: Worse. He can create plot holes.

Clockwork: - Wait. What did you say he creates?

HRG: I know, it sounds odd, but it's a threat to our world. People realised that this person was missing and it was tracked down to this super villain named Void and that they couldn't let someone like that mess up the world and - Clockwork? Are you all right?

Clockwork: (Plot holes)

(Flashes to an image of Resurrection Girl celebrating her 17th birthday)

(Plot holes)

(Flashes to Caitlin being stuck in the future)

(Plot holes)

(Flashes To Angela talking to someone on the phone about Flying Man's attempted assassination)

(Plot holes)

(Speedster being immune to Chronos's time stopping abilities)

Clockwork: BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!

(Puts his foot on the pedal)

HRG: WAH! Hey, Clockwork, are you okay?

Clockwork: (Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill)

* * *

Void: (On the phone) Look, I told you people already, I'm done working with you, I'm not killing anyone else! No! I don't care how unpopular this Maya chick is, I'm not going to drop her into a plot hole!

(Someone bashes down the door)

Resurrection Girl: Freeze, bad guy!

Void: Oh no! The I-Men have sent someone to take me down!

Resurrection Girl: - I-Men? What are you talking abou - WHA!

(Looks down at her cheerleader styled costume)

Resurrection Girl: I swear I did not come out dressed like this!

* * *

_Meanwhile our Hiro and his sidekick dig up the Immortal in order to get answers._

The Immortal: Okay. So why do you think I know who's behind it?

Chronos: …I'm not sure, Sybil never explained that thoroughly. I think it's just an excuse to give you more screen time.

Commentator: Er, yeah, that's the reason…

* * *

_Meanwhile back at Void's hideout, he tries to talk Resurrection Girl out of apprehending him._

Void: Look, I'm not that bad a guy!

Resurrection Girl: Not that bad? You're the one responsible for all the plot holes on our show! I mean all those people you killed! Audrey Hanson, Zach Connor, Claude Raines, Detective Fuller, West Rosen, Kaithlin Girlfriend, the cheerleaders at my school and the remaining founders who haven't played any significance yet! Not that I knew any of those people personally, but from what I read about them they were pretty good people! Well, okay maybe except one of the cheerleaders and I'm not sure about the founders -

Void: You don't understand! I didn't want to kill all those people! I was ordered to!

Resurrection Girl: Ordered? By who?

Void: Why, the Writing Staff of course!

Resurrection Girl: The Writing Staff? But why?

Void: Oh various reasons. Actors leaving, or characters no longer having a use or worked out as well as they hoped. But the main reason was to basically give our world a reboot and getting a fresh start -

(Doors burst open, literally)

Clockwork: You monster!

Void: Look, we've already been through this, I'm not that - GAK!

(Pushed against wall)

HRG: No Clockwork, we need him alive!

Resurrection Girl: - Dad? Is that you? How did you find me?

HRG: Who knows the darkest parts of the world where his daughter may hide? HRG knows.

Resurrection Girl: - Huh?

Clockwork: Ignore him, he's going through some sort of vigilante phase. As for you, you are the reason why I'm driven mad every day because of this series!

Void: I thought you were driven insane because your understanding of how everything worked somehow led you to have an unsatiable hunger for power or because of the numerous powers you have?

Clockwork: ...You just can't help yourself, can you? Now then, I'm gonna make you pay for all the plot holes you created in this show! You won't be able to make another plot hole ever again!

(Void creates a plot hole)

Plot hole: Gulp gulp gulp gulp!

(While that's threatening to suck everyone in, Void escapes)

Clockwork: No! A plot hole! My mortal enemy!

Resurrection Girl: Hey! I thought-one of us- was your mortal enemy!

Clockwork: I do have a life outside you guys.

* * *

_Meanwhile back at his apartment, Spider Man gets an unexpected visitor._

Spider Man: Muerte? You're back? I thought when you left you suddenly left for good like so many characters on this show have done before?

Muerte: Don't be ridiculous Mohinder, you won't get rid of me that easily.

Fans: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Maya: Wait, why are you suddenly called "Spider Man"?

Spider Man: Errrrrrrrrrrrr…

* * *

_Back at Void's hideout, as our heroes (and villain) cling on for sheer life as the plot hole threatens to suck them in, they discuss as to how to survive._

Resurrection Girl: So how do we stop the plot hole? Will it just close itself?

HRG: It's not that simple. A plot hole will keeping eating and eating until it finds something worthwhile.

Resurrection Girl: Worthwhile? Like what?

Clockwork: Oh you know the usual. People, buildings, items, significant plot points, that sort of thing.

Resurrection Girl: Oh.

Clockwork: But I would rather die than have there be another plot hole.

(Lets go. Is grabbed by HRG)

HRG: As much as I would like to let you kill yourself, I'm afraid your mother would not be happy with me.

Resurrection Girl: So what do we do?

HRG: We need to feed the plot hole something. But it has to be something significant. But once that thing is taken, then all knowledge of it ever existing will cease to exist. So the best thing will have to be something that no one is going to miss.

Clockwork: It's a shame that Muerte isn't around. We could have dropped her into the plot hole.

Resurrection Girl: Wait a minute! Dad, can it be just an object that closes up the plot hole?

HRG: Yes, why?

Resurrection Girl: Then I have the perfect thing. (Rummages through her pocket and pulls out something) My current cheerleader outfit.

HRG: CLAIRE NO! That outfit is the only proof you have left that you ever went to Costa Verde High! Without it, that whole mess with West and the cheerleaders might as well not have happened!

Resurrection Girl: Yeah well that subplot was unpopular anyway so I'll really be doing the fans a favour by pretending it never happened.

HRG: And like the writers themselves you don't seem to comprehend the pretty obvious fact that what fans hate more than boring subplots filled with unlikable characters are INCONSISTENCIES!

Resurrection Girl: Look it's either us or the cheerleading thing that falls into the plot hole so I don't think the fans would be happy if all three of us ceased to exist. So, sniff, goodbye current cheerleading thing!

Clockwork: Are you sure you want to give up being a cheerleader, Claire?

HRG: DUDE! She's my daughter!

Clockwork: Only by adoption!

HRG: And your niece!

Clockwork: Only by blood! Oh wait. That actually counts, doesn't it? Damn. So first Paire is shot down, now Clyler? Are the writing staff just going to systematically shoot down every popular pairing in all of fandom?

HRG: Pfft, like a little incest ever stopped shippers!

Resurrection Girl: I have no idea what you two are talking about, so I'm just going to go block up the plot hole now.

(Lets go of the outfit, which floats in the air)

Plot hole: GULP!

HRG: Nice thinking using that cheerleading outfit, Claire bear!

Resurrection Girl: What cheerleading outfit? Dad, I haven't done cheerleading since we moved away from Dallas!

(Clockwork threatens to bang his head against the wall.)

* * *

_Meanwhile at the I-Men headquarters, Sybil reveals something shocking to her son, Flying Man._

Sybil: Your father was not happy having a squib for a son, so you were given a super power.

Commentator: WAIT A MINUTE HERE! So let me get this Straight. Nathan's ability was given to him?

Sybil: Yes.

Commentator: But, doesn't that mean he's not a real godsend?

Sybil: A what now?

Commentator: And doesn't that further undermine the whole 'people born with powers meant to save the world' by having the one character who did anything useful in that whole arc turning out NOT to be naturally born with his abilities? I mean if you have the one character who was a godsend almost blow up New York being stopped by someone who's powers were artificially induced, then what kind of message does that give? Talk about cannibalising your own series for one brief moment of pointless shock!

* * *

_After escaping the plot hole, Resurrection Girl and HRG argue over what to do about Void._

Resurrection Girl: Dad, I can't let you arrest him! He didn't have a choice, doing the things he did!

HRG: He had a choice. Don't tell me he didn't have a choice.

Resurrection Girl: Okay seriously, what is with you today?

* * *

(High above, HRG stands on a rooftop)

_This city. I cannot deny her. _(Runs off) _This city screams. _(Jumps across several rooftops)_ She is my lover. _(Slides down a pipe)_ She provides for me, this city does. She gives me everything I need, __like a mother. _(prepares to jump down to the ground)_ She is the love of my life, and I am her -_

(HRG finds that Clockwork has already reached where he was heading)

HRG: How the heck did you get here before me?

Clockwork: Simple. I didn't waste time monologuing. And by the way. Your city is both your lover AND your mother? And you accused me of being incestuous!

* * *

_Just when he was cornered, however, Void creates a plot hole and is sucked in._

HRG: Oh well. At least he won't be making anymore plot holes.

* * *

Void: Wh-wh-wh-wh-where am I?

Writer Alpha: Greetings, Void. Welcome - home.

Void: No. NO! But I made myself cease to exist!

Writer Alpha: We brought you back, Void. You have still much to do.

Void: No. NO!

Writer Alpha: Oh yes! And here we have another target for you.

(Writer Alpha hands Void a picture of Heidi Petrelli)

_Will Heidi Petrelli become Void's next victim? How will Flying Man cope with the fact that his powers were not God-given? And what further information will Chronos learn with the Immortal? Find out next time on 'Super Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'!_

* * *

**P.S. I do not own 'Reboot' or '24' or anything related either!**


	5. Dying of Quod Sum

**I do not own 'Heroes' or anything related**!

* * *

_Previously on Super Heroes, the identity of the Dr Asclepius appearing to Flying-Man (Who for some reason also appeared to Speedster) was revealed._

(After Speedster left, Nightmare appears)

Commentator: Wait? It was Nightmare? WHAT A SHOCKING- actually that was less shocking than the erm 'twist' that the Linderman Nathan was saying wasn't there.

_Not only that, but the morally ambiguous mastermind behind this year's plot was also revealed._

Nightmare: Whatever you say, Parasite.

DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!

Commentator: Wait. Which one was Parasite again?

_Arthur Petrelli._

Commentator: Right, gotcha. See, Nightmare was easy to decipher, given Maury's ability, but until now Peter and Nathan's dad was even WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA? THE LATE MR PETRELLI IS ALIVE? AND BEHIND ALL THIS?

_Um, Yes._

Commentator: Huh. That's actually one of the more credible shocking revelations this show has had this season!

Professor: What are you talking about, Sir?

Commentator: I mean how every other plot twist this season feels like they just came up with this season (Despite the fact the writers said they had planned everything out for at least five seasons) from the assassin turning out to be Future Peter to Nathan not being born with his ability, the revelation that their father's alive actually feels like this might have been something thought of beforehand!

_And now, on 'Superheroes', The Immortal, having been captured, is about to symbolically pass the torch of arc villainy to the new one._

Immortal: No! You can't kill me off! I'm such an interesting character-

Parasite's power: _YOINK!_

Immortal's Power: GAK!

Adam: Well. So much for my reunion with Matt Parkman. GAK!

Commentator: No! The Immortal is dead! Wow. Talk about a paradoxical statement!

Writer 1: Alas, there was no way to save him. Without his power, Adam was doomed to die.

Commentator: Wait a minute! I thought his power only froze his aging process, shouldn't he have just started aging normally from that point rather than age rapidly?

Writer1: …We just unnecessarily killed a good character, didn't we?

Writer 2: That we did.

Adam's Ashes: Oh well. I'm not too cheesed off. I'm sure the next TV series I'm featured in will treat me with respect and not unexpectedly kill me off!

* * *

(As Josef Bazhaev was speaking with his father on the phone, a red dot suddenly appears on his chest)

Josef Bazhaev: OH-GAK!

Josef Bazhaev's body: Sigh. I miss J.J.

* * *

_Meanwhile, at Spider Man's lab, Flying Man and um, Tracey, have come to him for help, where they explain that Tracey is not Nikki._

Mohinder: She's not Nikki? Pfft, yeah-

Tracy: FOR GOODNESS SAKE MAN, HER ELEVEN YEAR OLD CHILD COULD TELL THE DIFFERENCE, WHY CAN'T ANYONE ELSE?

Mohinder: Wait I remember now! I was supposed to go to New Orleans to cure Niki of her- oh. Crap, she's dead now, isn't she?

Tracy: That she is. But not because of your negligence. She died saving this girl, but even if she didn't, I'm sure she would have eventually died no thanks to your negligence from a FATAL, LIFE THREATENING DISEASE!

Mohinder: Look, I'm sorry! I have a tendency to completely change course in my life for no or little reason!

_Meanwhile, Pyra is being held captive at the mercy of Puppet Master, who is watching some television._

Puppet Master: Hahaha! Oh Konkuro. You're perhaps the greatest character ever conceived!

_Later Ressurection Girl and her mother (Wait. Seriously? Ahem, anyway!) track them down where they come face to face with the villain._

Puppet Master: Welcome to my puppet show! It just so happens that this next sketch I need a couple of volunteers! The name: Russian Roulette! With a twist! That is you shoot someone else rather than yourself!

_While playing, Sandra shoots Resurection Girl, knowing that she can come back from the dead._

Puppet Master: Huh. You seemed too eager to kill your daughter. Huh. I'm sure it's nothing to concern myself with-OOF!

* * *

Nightmare: Parasite, I have gathered all of the super-villains as you requested.

Parasite: Excellent. All the super-villains are here. Deimos, Blue Pyro, Nightmare, and Speedster. Together, with our combined moral ambiguity, we shall save the world!

Blue Pyro: (Puts hand up) Um, don't you mean with our combined evil we shall rule the world?

Parasite: Pfft yeah right! What do you think we are, some sort of legion of over the top super-villains?

Blue Pyro: But you just called us-

_Just then Absorbing Man bursts in._

Parasite: Don't worry, he's my son. (Turns around) Ah. Wrong son. Well this is awkward.

Absorbing Man: Wait a minute! The mastermind behind the current volume is-

Parasite: Yes. I am your father.

Absorbing Man: No. No! That's not true! That's impossible!

Parasite: Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

Absorbing Man: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Parasite: Now then, how about a hug for your old man.

Absorbing Man: Well, there's no way this can be a trick, so okay!

Parasite's Power: _YOINK!_

Absorbing Man's Power: GAK!

Peter: What the-? Why am I no longer called 'Absorbing Man'?

Parasite: Because you are no longer the Absorbing Man. I am. Mwahahaha! Mwahahahaa! MWAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!

Blue Pyro: (Nudges Deimos) Is he sure we're not evil?

_Meanwhile at Spider Man's lab, H.R.G. and Pyra meet up with Flying Man and um, Tracy. Seriously this girl needs a superhero name!_

Tracy: So let me get this straight. You used to be in a relationship with her, and your child is being raised by him? Why do I feel like I'm in a soap opera or something?

Commentator: It's nothing to worry about. We've felt like we've been watching a soap opera since we first discovered that Nathan was Claire's biological father.

_Back at Resurrection Girl's home, her brother is attacked._

Resurrection Girl: Lyle! Are you all right? Hey, have you grown a lot these past few-

Lyle: Shh! Claire! Do you want me to get kicked off the show?

Resurrection Girl: Ellectra? But I thought you left the series for good?

Ellectra: Given the number of characters that are just dropped from this show, your assumptions aren't that surprising.

_Meanwhile, at the headquarters of moral ambiguity, Peter is being held captive._

Spider Man: Hello, Peter.

Peter: Oh joy. Someone else who isn't shocked that I'm not dead.

Spider Man: That's because I've already been told beforehand that you're still alive.

Peter: -Oh. Right. Well that's plausible, I guess. Mohinder! Please don't do this! However, let me assure you to do this by telling you exactly how you'll become a monster in the future.

Commentator: Okay, if you don't want him to experiment on you, WHY would you tell him that?

Clockwork: Here I ammmmmm, to save the daaaaaaaaaay!

Spider Man: Oof!

Commentator: Yay! Wait, we're cheering Sylar over Mohinder? What's wrong with this scenario?

Clockwork: Oof!

Spider Man: Die, father killer!

Parasite: No, Spider Man, don't! He's my son!

Commentator: Wait, if Parasite says that Sylar's his son when he's unconscious, then that must mean it's true! Drat. I was so hoping it was just a ruse.

_Resurrection Girl and Ellectra arrive at Pinehearst (The official name for the headquarters of moral ambiguity!), when they see Peter fall from a window._

Commentator: Okay, how exactly did Peter survive that fall?

Ellectra: Wait, if Peter doesn't have his powers, then how did he survive that fall?

Commentator: Wait you mean this isn't a plot hole? Sorry, I have low expectations of this show. I didn't used to! But I do now.

_Peter and Resurrection Girl go to his apartment in order for him to recuperate._

Peter: You know, I've just realized something. This is the first time I've been in my apartment since around 'The Fix'. I haven't been here for almost a year! Or is it a year and a half now?

_Later, Flying Man meets up with them._

Claire: You know, it's times like this that I'm glad that I have two dads! If I'm at odds with one, I can always fall back on the other!

_Meanwhile in the desert, Chronos and Average Joe-_

Ando: STOP CALLING ME AVERAGE JOE!

_-Ahem, meet up with a seer who tells Chronos that in order to defeat the super villains he must go back in time and learn about their origins._

Chronos: I cannot do that. I cannot risk altering the timeline!

Ando: Whoa, whoa, hold on for a sec. Since when do you care about altering the timeline?

Chronos: Since now.

Commentator: HOW CAN A GUY WITH GLASSES BE SO STUPID?

Chronos: Eh?

Commentator: You still haven't realized it yet? YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST, YOU DUMBARSE! What do you think you've just been lucky that you haven't messed with the timeline? It's been clear that every time you go into the past whatever you do has already occurred. Why isn't this clear to you? Debating about not changing the timeline is pointless! (Starts to crackle with electricity) You-irritating-

Professor: Now Sir, calm down! Remember what happened last time you lost your temper!

* * *

(In the 'Naruto' universe, a cry of "SON OF A BITCH! GRRRRRRRRRR!" can be heard before the world is engulfed in electricity)

Flying Saucer Passing By: Oooooooooooh. Pretty.

* * *

Sammy: That's odd. I don't remember Boss ever accusing anyone of having canine parentage! Although he does look like a-

(The Commentator squashes him with a mallet)

Commentator: It's called 'retconning', Sam. Something that should never be enacted by live action TV shows. Unless it's a really obscure fact that people had forgotten.

Seer: Well, I'll give you another path to find out about them even though you worrying about altering the timeline is completely pointless.

**This was written BEFORE it turned out you CAN change the past in the show as well as fulfill events that had already happened. Seriously, how does that work? I mean that would imply that you can't the change the past because the actions you committed have already happened, yet at the same time people's actions in the past can CHANGE it? Either you can change history, or you can't, you can't have it both ways people! And you especially can't have the traveler go back into the past AND have the guy fulfill a past action as well as create a new chain of events! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Okay. Either that was a retcon, or I gave this show WAY too much credit than it deserved!**

_What secrets will Chronos uncover regarding the super villains? Will Peter ever regain his powers? Will you have to wait months for the next update? Find out next time on 'Super Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'!_


End file.
